Ongoing Quotebook

Most of these are quotes from my friends/family, and the rest are from comedians movies and TV shows that struck me funny. Enjoy and let me know what you think!
XOXO
Ash

its like trying to get a smoker to quit...or an alcoholic to stop...I am addicted to deer hunting! -Drew Beman

Lick me...I'll kill you!!! -Steph

i wanna punch myself. -Megan Deel

I'd never dare tell him i love him..that gives him a little thing i'd like 2 call power! -Megan Deel

I did apoligize....and I kinda meant it -Me

He said I'm hard headed...whatever that means. -Megan Deel

They probed me last time! -Steph

That will prolly send her straight into a menstrual cycle. -Josh Butterbaugh

Someone gave the deer guns?! OMG its not hunting season, it's WAR! -me

I see the light and it's going to give me an erection -Josh Butterbaugh

I've had too many Nyquil shooters -Me

Uhh...sorry all the words fell outta my head for a minute. -Me, damn cold meds

I need to empty my head out and start over. -Me

You don't have to be married to fornicate. Not that we're gonna fornicate! I mean its Thanksgiving! -Steph

Soul mates? Hahahaha (very seriously) That means they're doing it! -Steph

Should I use my invisibility for good or evil? -Me

I would be like "Hey boy with the commitment phobia's mom why are you calling me?". - Me to Megan

I pumped like a hundred needles in you! WHY DIDN'T YOU DIE?! -Steph, in "Halo mode"

I love Taco Bell sauce packets! They're like waterbeds for your fingers! -Me

I'm pissed at Michael Jackson. If he doesn't put "Thriller" on myspace I'm gonna hunt his lil boy loving ass down and "beat it" -Me

Its like pooping backwards! -Me

She got on top of me! -Brandon Lester

It pees when I burn! It pees when I burn! -Jill Raffan

When I laugh I look like a chinkers! -Lindsay Nida

Oh My God you shot me in the ass! And it bounced off...how sad am I? -Me

They both looked at me like I ate bad tuna. -Me

Yay I have a friend with a cooter besides my sister - Me

He's like the puppet nazi, he and his team of puppets. -Steph

Damn homie you fell doowwwn - Steph

Sophie your mommy is a man. -Steph to the puppy

If you think I'm coming back to you well...I guess I'll call you tomorrow -Me

Can I pat you on the backside instead? -Dana Sargent

It's not that I have too much time on my hands. I've got a 9 to 5, love interests, an ant farm, you know, priorities. -Marc Horowitz

Having the love of your life break up with you and say "We can still be friends" is like your dog dying and your mom say "You can still keep it". -Unknown

Falling is the easy part but the picking yourself up is what everyone avoids talking about. -T.M.

Temptation is fun. Giving in is better. -Dove Chocolate wrapper

I love your family very much. But my father is going to bludgeon your father to death with a brick, and I'm going to let him. -Greg

Do you know how hard it is to get a nicotine patch to stick to a monkey? -Jane Deaux

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -Art Hoppe

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn. -Fulton Sheen

Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but it's not true. I have the heart of a young boy in a jar on my desk" -Stephen King

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah. - Ronald Reagan

Love doesn't make the world go 'round, it makes the ride worthwhile. - Tattoo on a guys arm in Huntington

Give a man a beer he'll drink for five minutes, teach a man where you keep the beer he'll drink all day. -Mr. Moon

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.-Ernest Hemingway

There's no absolutes in life; only in vodka. -Mike Kellerman

Mr. Shrader, don't be an ass! -Professor Judith Thompson, after Scott Shrader defended the Nazi actions during the war. PS she's Jewish.

Law and love are the same - romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection. - Ally McBeal

That 70's Show

Could you send your best wine to Caroline, and tell her when I said "hi" I meant "I'll take you like a stallion." -Fez

An apple? Where's my candy, you son of a bitch? -Fez on Halloween

She's always writing sexy comments on my homework. "Nice job." "Good effort." "See me." -Fez
on his English teacher

Oh, and I could write some really great slogan like "I hate the fuzz" on my ass! -Hyde

Please stop touching each other. It gives me needs. -Fez

And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair. -Donna

I'd just like a little attention while you're struggling with my underwear. I'm here, too. It doesn't always have to be about the twins. -Donna

Okay, you've been talking to those idiots in the basement again. -Donna

Okay Donna, just for that, I'm not taking your bra off. -Eric

Don't get me wrong, I'm completely pro nudity, but I think my dad might kill me and I'm anti being killed. -Eric

Disco is from hell, okay? And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame ass part where the really bad accountants live. -Hyde

Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! Star Wars is a limited engagement! -Kelso

The only thing better than eating lobster is eating lobster and hauling ass. So let's haul ass! -Kelso

I hate that show. Okay, they have these commercials that you think are real, but they're not real. And then, you wanna buy the stuff! -Jackie On Saturday Night Live

I don't really cook much. I just plan on getting by on my looks. -Jackie

The Notebook

Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. -Noah

I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough. -Duke

Allie: What happens if a car comes?Noah: You die.Allie: What!?Noah: Just relax. Just trust. You need to learn how to trust

Will and Grace Quotes

Honey you fell out of the gay tree and hit every gay branch on the way down, and you landed on a gay man-then you did him. -Karen to Jack

I look like Puff the Magic Drag Queen! -Grace Adler

Hey look a cupcake! -Karen Walker

Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning! -Karen Walker

It's a victimless crime, like tax evasion or public indecency. -Karen Walker

He's a smarty pants, Will... he uses big words like 'particularly' and 'delicatessen.' -Jack

Dane Cook Quotes

Ooohhh that tire just hit that woman in the, in the FACE!

There are certain ways that people, when they bite it, and they show it on the news you laugh.

Fuck that, I would punch every bee in the face!

Slip and bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.

This is anybody here four hours into a game of Monopoly- Fuck this game!

Don't fuckin touch me Grandpa! Nana is a cheating whore, and I should cut your head off with
this little doggy!

he was hit by a Dodge ... which I found funny and ironic ...

... I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead ...

Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche!

When Someone calls you pal and you're not pals, fuck that, you know what I mean.

Someone shit on the coats! I think someone may have shit on, or around the vicinity of the coats

I'm just going over to this bush to puke shards of my own pelvis

If you ever turn around in my driveway again I'm gonna cut your fucking head off.

There can only be one Highlander!

The crouton-o-Christ. The Jeezit.

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!

I say fuck shoes! Your shoes do not represent you! Neither here, nor in a court of law!

You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently".

What is it about Walgreen's? The second you walk in there you just want to steal. It's just something about the lighting. You only want to not pay for half of your shit. It's not stealing if you pay for half! But I mean, I'm not gonna pay for scrunchies. No, you just shove those in your pants.

Friends Quotes

Well she asked if she could finish my peanuts and I thought she said something else. -Pete Becker

This is intense. One side of my butt is asleep and the other side has no idea. -Phoebe

Who's FICA? And why's he getting all my money?" -Rachel

It shouldn't be called "Its a Wonderful Life" it should be called "Its a Sucky Life and when you think it can't suck anymore it does." -Phoebe

You're over me? When were you under me? -Ross

You know if we were in prison you guys would be like my bitches. -Phoebe

George Carlin

The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?

I distinctly heard "Snap, Crackle, Fuck him".

Family Guy

God's watching me go number two? I'm a sinner and God's a pervert. -Chris

Do these huggies make my ass look big? -Stewie

I don't want your Mom to worry alright? When she worries she starts saying things like 'I told you so' or 'Stop doing that I'm asleep'. -Peter

Daria

I hate it when the pudding has skin! -Daria

I don't take checks from college students-Daria

Can you teach me how to twirl my hair and stare vacantly? -Daria

Today's brains, tomorrow pierced tongues. Then the next day, pierced brains -Jane

Hold it, I think I feel a poem coming on. (burps) Sorry, false alarm. -Daria

Oh, no. The toilet is talking to me again. Talking toilet, you may call me "Jane". -Jane

Mitch Hedberg

February 24 1968 - March 30 2005

Has anyone seen me on Lettermen? 2 billion people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store.

I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky.

I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him.

I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidentally wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a as wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.

I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time.

I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead.

I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes," I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your going to quiz me, you must put a pause in there.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and said I saw you on TV last night. He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I was. So turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good.

I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.


I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil is....Dill.

Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right.

I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.

I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah! It was a Wednesday.

When you go a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry. That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes.